My father's funeral was last Monday, so I'm really not in the mood to have a big celebration at my house. Really, I'd just like to sit by the fire with a cup of hot chocolate and snuggle with my cats...
But there are family members who literally have no other place to go, except maybe to Old Country Buffet. OK, so I agree to have a SMALL gathering. I figured on 7 people total.
Somehow my wife misunderstood, and invited everyone. Now 18 people are comming, and I just want to be left alone!
What's worse, some of the "relatives" that may come had tried to sabotage a relationship I was in about 10 years ago. They made up all kinds of lies to get the girl I was dating to break it off with me, simply to make me unhappy. Since then, I'm civil to my cousins when I see them... but I do NOT go out of my way to see them. I don't think my wife understands why I am uncomfortable around them, or maybe she thinks that I should forget completely about it because I'm not with that girl anymore. It has nothing to do with my ex, and everything to do with me knowing exactly what people think of me.
They also were no-shows at my father's funeral.
I really don't feel like opening my home, and having a meal with people who have had nothing but negative to say about me or my father.
Can I un-invite a couple of hassoles without upsetting the whole family?
I'd really consider just picking up a bunch of Whoppers at Burger King... but now I have to cook turkey, corn, beans, potatoes, stuffing, etc. and open my home to a couple of first class jerks.|||You know what? It's just too hard to "un-do" and there will be too many hurt feelings and hurled accusations if you try to cut out a few problematic relatives.
What I'd do if I were you is simply say, should they open their mouth and make a single negative PEEP, is "STFU if you know what's good for you--I am NOT in the mood. If you don't have anything nice to say, you'd best say NOTHING. And if you don't like it, there's the door." Or, you could snarkily say "Gee, I missed you at Dad's funeral--what, did you have a golf date, or a doctor's appointment to remove your head from your ***, or something?" Don't YELL, though--in fact, display a MINIMUM of emotion--think "Clint Eastwood IS Dirty Harry!" when you deliver the line. A bit of QUIET MENACE, so they know they can't trifle with you.
I'm SO sorry for your loss (and the first few months are the most numbing--the deep grief comes later, really) but being the Bigger Person does serve to make those mean relatives look smaller still.
As for your wife....oh, she DOES get it. She understands the dynamic with those annoying relatives, and she knows that you are upset about how they ruined your relationship with your earlier love. I know you think that she's not focused in on that issue, but she IS. See, she loves you--very much, actually, and she throws these jerky relatives in your path in an effort to reassure herself that the OLD girlfriend doesn't mean that much to you. REALLY. Of course, you know that the old girlfriend is in the past, but you're still carrying around that resentment, now, aren't you? She's not making that same connection that you are, that it's about the RELATIVES, not the girl. She thinks if you can put up with the relatives, then the old girl somehow gets "erased." Your wife is trying to desensitize you to the whole issue, not so that you "make nice" with the relatives, but to prove to HERSELF that the old girlfriend really IS in the past.
I'm never wrong about these things. That dynamic IS in play when your wife includes those relatives. Yes, it may seem convoluted, but humans do funny things.
NEXT TIME (not now, stow this discussion for later) sit down and have a detailed discussion with your wife about the sort of holiday gathering you'd like to have. The reason you're in this mess is because of POOR COMMUNICATION. Your wife "misunderstood" and she did so because you didn't make yourself clear. That's understandable, owing to your recent loss.
It's not going to be a "HO HO HO" day, in any event, but it's not the end of the world. Suck it up this year. Be the Bigger Person. Pull out the quiet Clint Eastwood imitation if anyone tries to pull any "stuff." After all is done, tell your wife you simply don't want those clowns in your home any more.
Hang in there. Plan to do something special with your wife at New Year's. Maybe a quiet getaway--the cats will manage on their own for a day or two, now, won't they?|||i would not that would be mean|||of course you can after all its a privilage for you to have invited them so feel free to take there privalages away.|||un-invite them!...i mean if you just tell them the real reason why im sure they would understand...not havent any alone time for things like this can drive a person CRAZY..just cancel everything and im sure itll be just fine!|||I think you have every right to uninvite. Just tell them with the recent death of your father you are not up to guests. I am sorry for you loss.|||Yes of corse you can. Just explain the situation, if there's anything good left in them they'll understand. If not perhaps you should consider about the people you like to see. So just explain, and see what happens. They should understand.|||Considering you just buried your father they should undersatnd. Don't these 18 people have homes? i'm sure they can find a place to go.
My condolences.|||I doubt it would go off smoothly if you tried to uninvite them to Christmas dinner...I would just go through with the plan
However, I totally sympathize with you (I have family like that as well) and if I were you I would probably see how they behave and, if it's in a negative manner, just completely break ties with these assholes.|||You could, but it would be kinda rude. Come on man... it's the Holidays.
I'm sorry about your Father... that must be kinda hard to deal with this time of year.|||NO. this is the best thing for you to do is to celebrate the holidays. Do it for your father. He probably would want you to do it. Dedicate the day to him.|||YES! just tell them how you feel. it is your house and you need some alone time. get away for the weekend. you don't have to be home. tell them your going away for a weekend in the country or something.|||Of course you can uninvite them...just tell them that it is due to the recent death of your Dad...if they don't understand, they are not worth it...after what you have gone through, they should be inviting you...|||Why don't you do what is good for you in the long run? If you cater to them will you feel like a weak loser and dope and doormat or will you feel more powerful if you subject them to fried chicken? Get a full meal deal with potatoes and coleslaw and buy a loaf of white sandwich bread. Get some cheap cokes from the grocery store and let them be happy with that. It is not about you making a culinary impression, it should be about togetherness and holidays and all that cr@p. Do it in a way you can live with yourself with for the rest of your life. That is my suggestion.|||I can see where you're coming form dude and i usually don't answer questions on here, but i can see myself in your position. I think you just have to fight through it though you know? Tell your wife how you feel straight up also so it doesn't happen again. Even if they don't deserve to be in your home one bit, it IS Christmas and even though it doesnt have to mean much to anybody it's still nice for people to go out of their way to help people in need. If I was you i woulda told them to **** off and told them they arent coming in my house at all but im tryna give you some good advice hahaha|||this just sounds like one of those miserable things in life that you have to stick it out through. it's too late to change it. you're grieving, and this is going to be sucky for you, and i understand copletely what you're going through. i lost my father at age 9, and the woman who took his money and didnt care.....had the nerve to show up at the hospital with my baby picture! anywho....i understand, but this is different because it's family. just stick it out, and once it's over you can relax ad be left alone.|||i wouldnt|||explain to your family what you want, that your still grieving an need space an time. If they dont like it you get the meal with the excuse of im not well im going lying down for a bit|||THATS MEAN|||quite honestly when someone close to you dies, all bets are off etiquite goes out the window.
YOU. Pick up the phone and call and tell them. literally call and tell them that you feel bad about it but truthfully you cannot host dinner, this year due to your fathers death.
it will be a stronger message if you call. and they cannot slam you for feeling bad about your fathers death. its easy breezy.
my condolences to you and good luck on your issue.|||Although I understand your feelings I would suggest letting everyone come that was invited and make the best of it. Understandably you are hurting from your fathers death and everyone needs time to grieve. But sitting alone on christmas I think will only make you feel worse. I think by having people around you it will take your mind off things for a least the day and help you feel a little better. As for the family member you would prefer not to be around just be as nice as possible and try to remember it's only for a few hours and then they are going home. The best revenge in life is to live better then the person or people who did you wrong. So show them you and your life is better then ever regardless of the things they have done. And remember if things hadn't happened they way they did with your ex, you may have never had the opportunity to get with the woman who is now your wife. Just think of it as they did you a favor. Enjoy the holidays and your family! Merry christmas!|||You are in a lose-lose situation I am afraid. Whatever you decide someone is going to be upset, but ultimately I would say this is about you. Your father has just died and you dont need this- to be honest I think your wife should acknowledge this and tell everyone that christmas at yours is cancelled given the circumstances.
If this is really going to make you miserable then I would put my foot down on this, explain that a huge gathering is too much for you at this time.
Maybe you could offer to do a tea buffet for boxin day or over new year??
Tell your wife you need her support on this after all you are her husband and you should come first.|||You just lost your Dad Yes you can cancelled this gathering. Your wife had no reason to invite all of them unless they invited themselvesl
if anything and they still say they are coming. LEAVE go to a motel or somewhere and be with only the ones you want to be with . your wife. and main family. Don't put yourself through this now. get burger king if thats what you want. Wouldn't your Dad be telling you to do what you WANT. Don't worry about what people think its not important and they will get over it. Do what is right for you. just make a few phone calls and say due to situations beyond my control dinner is cancelled. they fust oh well get over it.|||Just call up the awful relatives (have wifey or someone else do it) and say cause of dads passing we really think we are going to have a quiet Xmas, so its not that we really hadn't planned on it but we really don't have the energy or spirit to do it this year. Those people still have a week to get to the grocery store and cook. Nowadays you don't even have to cook you can buy a pre cooked turkey thing for about $10
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